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kingdom of lossFebruary 15 scratched salvationadam gibi adamimdir, hep öleydim aslında. kucuklukten beri 'ıstanbul beyefendisi'yimdir. o zamanlar cocukken delikankıydım, fena da sayılmazdi hani ama simdi delikanlıyken çocuk olmak vardı. aslında cocuk gibi herifimdir, yaramaz, bisiki takmaz, sorumsuz bisi. ama adam gibi adamimdir. cocuk olmak derken ben minik velet olmak istiyorum; okuldan gelip önlüğümü çıkarip cips yemeyi, sabahlari önlüğümü döne döne giymeyi, ilk küfürümü öğrenmeyi ama öğrendiim halde anamlar kızacak korkusuyla agzımdan kacırmama cabalarımı, okulda 'azına siciimm' dediimde 'öretmenimm, ne dediii die baararak beni gostermelerini istiom. olayımın basit olmasini istiyom. davey min son albuümünü dinlediimde 'bu ne lan böle baymis sadece bleed black güzel' diebilmei istiom. Ama adam gibi adamimdir. kime ne diiceemi kimden ne alıcaami kime ne vericeemi kime ne söliceemi kimle yatcaami kimle kalkcaami kimin neyimden haberinin olmasi gerektiini kime soyunucaami soyundummu naapcaami ne zaman giyinceemi bilirim, dedim ya adam gibiyimdir. ama adam olmak yeterli diil. dunyada bi tek sen adam olmusun neye yarar. bi kibrit verecen istediim kisilerin istediim kisimlarini yakacam, bazilarinin köküne kibrit suyu. seni etrafindakiler sen yapar derler ya, ben benden memnun diilim. yani suclu sizsiniz. yüce varlıın da dedii gibi;
the echoes of the past broke the hearts of the unborn, as the ferris wheel silently slowed to a stop. the few insects skittered away in hopes of a better pastime... February 08 all those things I loved, I now despiseyour eyes are closing now, another chapter is ending..
January 21 never again will i be dishonored..Change again cannot be considered,
I rage again dispelling my anger... December 06 çirkin ördekbir zamanlar çirkin bi ördek varmış, o kadar çirkinmiş ki bakan ölürmüş. Son November 13 the choices that chosen to choose temoprarily impared meand while my destiny reads the recipe for confusion, I'm lookin for whoever writes so empty inside. As the paneling comes unglued, I'm averaging a camel every hour as a substitute for food. out standing in this field waiting for the storms, trying to teach the alphabet to the children of the corn. i face the sun when i talk and ill hold his hand as I walk, im across the street i got caught inside of a self taught it just don't stop. and when i can im gonna build a castle that touches the clouds, not to get closer to god but to get further from y'all.... October 23 i am"I am that merry wanderer of the night"? I am that giggling-dangerous-totally-bloody-psychotic-menace-to-life-and-limb, more like it. September 22 hangimiz masumuzkimbilir nerde kirlendi. kimbilir nerde fişlendi. gözün tam açık olsada hergün bir damlan pislendi. inan senin için sözlerim, dinlemek istersen bak beklerim. önemsiz değil kimse hayatta. bugünü yarini bil isterim. gör hangimiz tam masumuz. imkani bile yok, söyleme tertemiz olduğunu bana... September 07 aciydi..... ama lezzetliymis dehatirladim, az once hatirladim..belki hatirlicaamda yoktu ama az once bi gecmise gittim, aslinda gidecegim de yoktuda gonderildim. hatirlamayi bile unutmusum, belki de "demekki onemi yokmus" diosun(belkide demiosun, diemiosun).belki sende hatirlamadin, hatta belki kimse hatirlamadi, belki de bu yuzden onemsiz gibi gelio su an ama biliorumki eger herhangi biriniz suan sunu okuyosaniz guluyorsunuz ve o geceyi, beni tekrar yasiosunuz. iste belki de bu yuzden cok onemli.iki sene gecmis tam diil aslinda daha 58dakikasi var ama iki sene gecmis.belki iki sene once o geceden sora yuzlerce kez keske dedim, dedirtildim.ama simdi diyorum ki iyiki yapmisim.bu gece istedim yine orada o zamanda olabilmeyi, ozlemezdim ama ozledim hepinizi.fazla ozledim sanmayin bilirsin ozleme saygim yoktur, ozleminde bana.zaten icindende dedin ki yiyim senin ozlemini, sen ne kadar ozlicen.zaten haklisinda birazdan isigimi kapatacam, yatacam ve hic bi seyim kalmiyacak.seviyorum bazen sevilmeyen yonlerimi
cocuklugumu denize birakiyomusum da haberim yokmus, icimde aglayan oymus da en ufak bi fikrim yokmus. aradim ama donmedi geri, uzuldum bi yandan ama bi yandan da sevindim.belliydi kimin olduu.Aferin, benimsin belli, ben olsam bende donmezdim bana geri... September 06 nonei thought
if i try harder things would get better
but now i see my skin is getting thinner
i know that i will always be a sinner
tonight i will be gone for ever
caus life really tastes bitter
i will be glad when i'm gone
caus i know "nothing's worth what i've done".... August 29 a fire in the sky"you were sentenced to rot when you were born" the preacher said, while he and i were sitting in the house of god, while we were drinking the holly thing that made our eyes go red, while we were trying to reborn, while he was proving again that he was a virginal on the top of that flesh that gives pleasure and i was washing a girls sins away with my holly liqiud behind the satatue of the son of the god and while i was trying to figure out the sign of the cross..
They'll be coming to bring the eternal flame June 18 oss sozum sanayarinki bitanemle olabilecegim o uc saati ve geri kalan aydaki onlarca saati benden caldiigin icin allah belani versin oss June 17 chemicallove is a chemical June 08 fenasi_kilirsinfenasi misin nesin sana bi kac sozum var.skik skik comment ler yazmayi kes, bu 1.anana babana diil direk sana kufur ediyorum, bu 2.yazdiim seyler seni hic ilgilendirmez annamiyosanda bos bos konusma, bu 3.benim turklugumden sana ne, bu 4.her boka ole atlama adam gibi pasa pasa oturduun yerde otur bu da 5. June 03 Cud - Reklama (meeting your ex)"He's seen you naked He bought you kinky underwear He knows your secrets He saw you bleach your facial hair You think i give a fuck about these? I even don't give a fuck about you" Thor"D'you want to play with my hammer? Eh, Miss Pussy-Head? It's called Mjollnir. If I rub it, it gets bigger. S'true" May 30 the man who got lost in the dreams of a city.."'If the city was dreaming,' he told me, 'then the city is asleep. And I do not fear cities sleeping, stretched out unconscious around their rivers and estuaries, like cats in the moonlight. Sleeping cities are tame and harmless things. What I fear,' he said, 'is that one day the cities will waken. That one day the cities will rise.'" May 29 he ruinedSo I said, 'Dahling, when God put teeth in your mouth, He ruined a perfectly good arsehole...' May 24 we knowWe all not only could know everything. We do. We just tell ourselves we don't to make it all bearable... May 22 when you diedYou know something? We came here for you, a long time ago, when you died. Well, it wasn't here and that wasn't you, but we did anyway... May 17 death says...When the first living thing existed, I was there waiting. May 16 you can.....All around me darkness gathers, we're just dolls..It means that we're just dolls. We don't have a clue what's really going down, we just kid ourselves that we're in control of our lives while a paper's thickness away things that would drive us mad if we thought about them for too long play with us, and move us around from room to room, and put us away at night when they're tired, or bored.... |
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